Friday, July 25, 2014

I AM ALIVE... JULY 25th, 2014~***

So its been like a year or so since my last BLOG post... And I'm finally at a place where I can peacefully and happily get back on the "band wagon" so to speak haha...

The years following the end of my mission in 2011 were filled with endless hurt and immense pain, tears, and gnashing of teeth. At first I was cooperative... I told myself I would go "quietly" from the church and without disruption or that of drawing attention to myself or causing a scene to others as I went through the process of having my "Name Removed".

A result which (I was told at the time) would end the same as any other member who is formally ex-communicated... the main difference being that I would not have to wait till I was technically guilty or in need of a hearing or a church trial, and that instead by going this route I would be bypassing all the hurt and the stigma that typically comes from an excommunication trial, but would end with the same result... No priesthood, no temple covenants, nor oaths of any kind.

I still had a deep love for my heavenly father and the gospel from which I had learned through my deep roots of growing up in the mormon church. And as such, as a returned missionary in 2011 I felt it best that since I knew I could not follow down the coarse expected and encouraged by the church, to date and marry a woman, nor could I find myself happily frolicking the road of celibacy... I knew that I needed to come to a realization and acceptance, that for me as a gay man,  the only path worth taking was the path worth walking down...

And the only path worth walking down for me, was a path where I did not have to be emotionally and physically alone without the one I loved... A path that I could bear all hardships and things to come, if I but only had my lovers fingertips entwined amoungst mine own. I told myself that things would still be okay after all was said and done, and I was hugely optimistic about the whole situation. For some reason I instantly saw my whole "coming OUT" to all my friends and members in the ward as some joyous event and I had envisioned them all parading around me with applause and admiration.

Instead all I found was a sour after taste that smelled foul and unforgiving, and darkened ears and closed eyes. No one wanted to acknowledge the situation... no one wanted to draw attention to the little bird... All eyes and topics of conversation were quickly changed to something prettier or more appeasing... more "known" and "in control"... equations to things that in their mind made perfect sense because they were questions that everyone already had the answers to, so therefor they were questions that did not cause unease... They did not "rock the boat", so to speak...

No one wanted to hear about how I was gay, or about how I felt my decision was the result and the fruit of a sincere and personal revaluation from my heavenly father after many nights and prayers of tears. As far as they were concerned, I was the one standing on the "wrong" side of the line, and they were the ones righteously standing on the "right" one...It made them "uncomfortable".... "I" made them "uncomfortable"... and because of that, I finally left.

In 2012 I left to escape the torment and the feelings that so constantly surrounded me at church amoungst my leaders and my peers. But I grew up mormon for so long, and my roots were too deep. I was already so far in having been to the temple and having served a mission. And so by the time I pulled away I was left with many wounds and a  scattered mind. A mind that kept wanting nothing more than to fling a hand back into the trusted "flame" that I was so sure would not burn, but somehow always did.

I steeped into major depression. Suicide was always on my mind. I was determined to end a life I felt must not be worth living if this was what I had that was left worth to live for. Wouldn't you rather be happily dead than sadly living? I thought to myself... Surely death would be much simpler than this, easier even!

Throughout the remainder of 2012 and then on into 2013 I battled with my desire to die.

At some point in 2013 I flipped the switch.

I was gonna live, and I was gonna live like NO TOMORROW.

In the past I'd be constantly worrying about what other's would think... not no more.
In the past I'd be constantly saying what I felt was expected of me... not no more.
In the past I'd be constantly trying to find a compromise... not no more.

I couldn't afford to compromise if compromising meant me at a loss of self worth, or ended with me in a coffin. I was worth so much more than that! And it was up to me to show those around me just how worth it I was...

It has now been over a year since then... here in 2014... And I have come such a long way, and walked a very DARK and DREARY ROAD.

And guess what?... I AM ALIVE.

God bless all of those who had commented and reached out in one form or another as a result of my last blog from a year or so ago when I had felt at odds with life and had helplessly felt so alone.

I know now what it means to "gather the wagons 'round..."
I felt your love... and your love is what carried me to here today~!

Love, Evan