Sunday, September 9, 2012

Life Gets Better... at least... Im hoping it does...

So I cant post for long because I have to go soon... but I wanted you all to know that I am okay.

Right after that post, I had thought about killing myself...

Luckily I had also had the strength enough to call my therapist and she told me to have a friend take me to the Emergency Room.

He took me there within an hour and the next I knew they had placed me in a mental facility...

I was placed in Sierra Vista and then after four days or so was transferred to a Crisis house called Safe Harbor...

I was at safe harbor crisis house for about a week and a half before I relapsed and started cutting and scratching myself... also the last 3 days there I had constant anxiety, depression, and panic attacks so I guess I could say looking back that I kinda saw it coming lol.

Anyways... due to my relapse they then sent me back to the Emergency Room and this time they sent me to a facility in Vallejo called Saint Helena... I was there for two weeks before they finally released me ( and that was only due to having a shitty therapist there LOL otherwise I should have gone somewhere else...).

So... I got sent home with my therapist named Dr. Punia and he discharged me with saying " There is nothing I can do, If your suicidal and you want to hurt yourself here then your gonna be suicidal anywhere... So if your just gonna hang yourself or whatever here then you might as well do that at home because being here isnt much different."

I was FLOORED... I could NOT believe he just said that to me, straight to my face!!! If anything it made me wanna die even more!!! Needless to say, I called "Patient's Rights Advocate"... I should have tried to get him fired~ (just kidding?) but instead I called and complained to the spokes person over the phone and DID request never to have him again...

Also, after having that conversation with him that day I had an incident at the facility there (hanging attempt in the bathroom) and even then he STILL discharged me!!!!

So, here I am, at home, and after a few days I had another incident, only this time my brother woke up to me in the hall on the floor near his room at night scratching my arms... then later on that same night my grandma woke my parents because I had grabbed a knife from the kitchen and was going to cut my wrists...

They all talked to me and we all cried... I threw the knife on the floor and bawled my eyes out.... I didn't do it.

Tomorrow morning I go to I.O.P. (Intensive Outcare Program) and my parents and I are hoping it gets better and we are all hoping that it helps...

We will see....

I hope for my sake it does cause I cant go through this again...

Its been a nightmare, please keep me in your prayers as I am constantly struggling and in need of support in just getting by from day to day... Thankyou.


  1. Wow, I thought what I'm going through is a lot. Last night i got really hurt from the words of my mother and I couldn't take it at church today, I went home in the middle of Sacrament meeting downed 6tbsp of nyqil and crashed and I woke up an hour ago. Being lds and gay sucks, today I wanted to die and still do but I have the hope that things will get better.

  2. When I was suicidal I found a helpful book. It was so helpful I wrote this review of it on Amazon. I hope it can help you, too.

    This review is from: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (Mass Market Paperback)

    I'd seen this book before. I'd browsed through it back in 1991 and didn't find anything profound, but I wasn't seriously depressed at the time either. In June 2001 it was a different story. I'd been feeling suicidal since April. I was away from home on business and considered ending it all in a Minneapolis hotel room, but didn't want my wife have the hassle of shipping my body 1,000 miles back home.

    I forced myself to take a walk and saw "Feeling Good" in a nearby bookstore. "What the hell," I thought, "for less than $10 this is worth a try." Back in my hotel room I took the depression test and scored 64 - severe depression. I read much of the book that night, took the self-test again the next day and scored in the 40s. With a 20 point drop in less than 24 hours, I again had hope. I got home, got counseling, got medication.

    Although I was still depressed, it was less severe and I wasn't as suicidal. In July of 2001 I bought "Ten Days to Self Esteem" and went from a depression score of 25 to 17 in ten days of doing the written exercises everyday. It took about 9 months but with exercise, meds, counseling, support from friends and family, and the perspective offered by the events of that September 11, I started getting scores showing very little depression, much less anxiety and better relationships. Burns' approach has been an important part of that process for me.

    (The book is still in print and is probably also available in your public library. Heck, I'll mail you my beat up copy I like.)

  3. Glad you're feeling a bit better. Still sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

  4. Yikes :(. I'm very glad you're getting help. Hang in there.

  5. I'm praying for you. Lots of people are praying for you. I wondered last week, again, why I was alive. That same day one of the MoHo bloggers posted that she was thanful I was here. That answered my question on why I am still alive. I am thankful you are here. I hope you get the help you need and deserve.

  6. Wishing you more than luck. I hope you really find a good therapist this time - one you can really relate to and feel comfortable with. You will be in our prayers. Hang in there!!

  7. I'm glad you're still with us, but it does sound like you have a road ahead of you. Please know that there are many out here praying for you and hoping you can find whatever help you need to get through it all. I don't know you, but I love you and want you to be well and happy.

  8. As a gay Mormon myself, I relate to so much of what you're going through. The best advice I can give you is that as long as you are addressing your needs and doing what you want/need to live a fulfilling life, despite what others (people, religion, etc.) think of it, that's all that matters. I know the road looks long and tough, and the promise of "it gets better" doesn't seem genuine, but it does. It will get better. Hang in there! There are many of us out here who care about you and want you here!

  9. I am so sorry about what you are going through, Evan. I dont know you, but I am depressed/bipolar and have struggled with wanting to die for years. For me, it has been frustrating to believe in God and know that even if I "end it all," it won't be over. Feeling like "how could he send me here, when I am failing so miserably?" and "I never chose to exist!" (or at least I dont remember choosing that), so why do I have to be here because this SUCKS!! But even if you feel like the church has left you or failed you, the Lord has not. Unfortunately, not everyone has a "thorn in the flesh" like Paul speaks about and like you and I have, so they have no idea what we go through in our minds. Some people try to help but its misguided, and some dont even want to help. I think that is because people are scared of what they don't understand, and because they are often selfish and not thinking of others and trying to truly be Christlike.

    It took therapy, antidepressants, and about 5-6 years of slowly getting better for me to get better. It has been a year since I punched through a wall or threw something at a wall or tried to beat the s*** out of my (very patient) husband. I think the last time I screamed at the top of my lungs in agony was at least 5-6 months ago. I have two adorable children whom I live for, and I do truly enjoy life (at least 90% of the time -ha!). I testify that it was through the power of the Atonement of the Lord Jesus that I have been able to become happy. All of the decisions you are making are very painful and difficult. But if you can just try the littlest bit to call to your Father in Heaven, he will speak to you. He is not mad at you or disappointed in you. He wants to help you, he wants you to reach out to Him. He can help you change how you feel so that you want to live. Unfortunately, Bishops arent trained in therapy or psychology, and I have also had my fair share of CRAP doctors and therapists. I will be praying for you that you can begin to be healed by Him who has all power.

  10. Wishing you luck. I'm glad to hear that you are safe and that people love and are caring for you. I've been in the dark lonely place and it sucks. I hope you heal quickly.

  11. Good luck to you, my friend. I'm glad you're reaching out and getting the help you need. I don't know how I missed this post, but I'm so glad you gave us an update on how you're doing. While it sounds like things are still pretty rocky, know again that you have a lot of people out there who care about you and want you to feel better. I'd love to get an email from you sometime--joshua dot weed at gmail dot com.

  12. Hi Evan,

    It's been a little while since you updated your blog. Just wanted you to know that there are always people here pulling for you, who care for you.


    Love, Julia

  13. Still checking up on you. Hope you are well, Evan.

    Love, Julia