Monday, August 13, 2012

no longer a member of the church ...

So I was talking with my bishop last october and we decided that a decision NEEDED to be made once and for all... I needed to progress in one way or another... I had to choose... No more sitting in limbo or standing on the side lines or fence sitting... A decision inevitably had to be made...

I never would have anticipated what would happen next...

It came down to where my bishop said I would need to choose....

Either I continued towards a relationship with another man or I vowed to stop and go no further in seeking a male relationship and instead strive to value my membership in the LDS Church more... But... no matter how hard I thought, I could not see the value of a life without the value of a male relationship.

It was then suggested that I needed to write a letter to the church in order to resign and that he would take care of the paperwork etc...

On Oct.31st 2011 I received my letter saying my records were removed from the church and that I was  essentially excommunicated (the wording they used was called "NAME REMOVAL" which resulted in the same outcome only without the church hearing) however my bishop DID tell me the end result is BASICALLY the same.

I am no longer a member....
I can NOT take the Sacrament...
I can NOT pray locally or in front of or on behalf of the congregation much less in the sunday classroom....
And if, he said, I decided to "COME OUT" to the ward then he CAN NOT guarantee that the ward would "accept" me, regardless of the fact of how sincere, loving, or honest I am, or even the fact that I served a mission honorably...

I cried for months before I felt even marginally better lol, and even then I didn't feel "whole".

The pain and the hurt that I felt was strong, and more importantly , it was REAL.

I felt mad that I was in the situation where it seemed like I was being forced to choose between two things i loved with no other alternative or way to be at peace and in harmony... and especially something that had meant so much to me and had such an impact on who I am today!!! It was sad... and I was sad because of it....

Eventually my depression deepened and finally I hit a breaking point where I tried to crash my car and end my life....

Its been a hard road... My energy and optimism is wearing thin...


  1. i dont agree with the church that being gay is wrong. But i hope that in the afterlife we will have the answers to this conflict between church and desire.
    I cannot imagine how hard it must be to know that you are not an official member of the church anymore. Or to not be able to take the sacrament. But you can still read the scriptures and pray. I really dont believe that God would cut you off for feelings (i believe) that you naturally have (and are not hurting anyone). God loves you. We may not understand the church's stance on being gay right now. But one day everything will be understood.

  2. I believe wholeheartedly that so many "Mormon's" are going to be shocked at the Jesus believes and allows. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you no matter what those on Earth believe or say.

    You are a precious child of a God. Please don't ever disbelieve that. Ever.

  3. I know you don't know me and I don't know you. You can be advised by a bishop. You can not be made to do or not do anything! As a child of God you have his love and always will. What I have always taught my kids is that they are expected to be their best self. Be the best you and don't let others put guilt on you. You have my love and support!


  4. Another bishop might have handled this situation with more love, understanding, and kindness. I believe our Savior would have held you and had a completely different conversation with you. You are loved. God has created you with wonderful intellect, ability, and gifts. He will guide you if you seek Him. Your life can be purposeful and of tremendous value, especially if you seek to know Jesus our Savior, and trust His love above all the difficulties of this life. He can turn the trials into blessings.

  5. Hey. My name is Megan and I'm 22 years old. I know you've gotten a lot of "Hey I don't know you but I'm going to write on your blog anyway" So here's one more you can add to the list. I'm going to be upfront with you and let you know I can only understand Cognitively what you are going through with depression and leaving the church, as for being gay I can't give much advice on that because I've never been and I've only been able to see from the outside what my friends had to go through but I do know that they had a hard life at first but it got better as time went on. I have been through depression myself, I just found out I'm bipolar (yay me!) and I've attempted suicide too many times before. Now Just so you know I'm not telling you this to get any sympathy I'm just telling you how it is for me because that's the only way how I understand what you are going through. I was raised in the LDS Church, got married in the temple, and left the church. I'm still married to my husband who is still a Mormon and we have a kid we're raising in the church but I'm not a Mormon anymore. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts regarding the gospel and God (conflicting is more of an understatement to be honest in fact I hate God more than anything) But I do know that God exists and even though I don't accept him and choose him as my God I do know that in some way he still loves me. It was hard for me at first to give up the gospel because I did feel like I needed to worship someone and that I needed to feel that good feeling that I'm doing something right, but then I realized I needed to figure out who I was first and what I believed in. I had to do a lot of soul searching and now I've become comfortable with my beliefs and my own thinking and I've gotten to a spot where I have peace in my life. It was really hard at first but in the long run it was worth it and I feel better about myself. I know it seems dark and dreary right now but I do know from my experience and from others that it can get better. There are ways to get out of depression and skills you can learn. For example I had to go see a therapist (finding a therapist wasn't easy either because the first one told me it was all my fault so I had to go through a few of them to find the right one.) I hope that you can find peace with yourself and live as long as you can. Life is an adventure and it's your adventure so make it how you want it and enjoy it. You have a ton of people who care about you (sorry I read all the other comments on your posts). Hope to hear from you soon.

  6. It gets better. I know the feeling of crying for months. You are suffering a loss. A loss of community, a loss of faith.

    But, after a while you'll realize that you don't need the church and that the world is a bigger and better place than the church would have you think it is. I've met such amazing people since leaving the church and giving myself the time and opportunity to meet other people.

  7. It gets better, brother. I know that can sound cliché, especially with how often it is used nowadays. However, (in the words we are so familiar with) I bear testimony that as you walk in your authenticity, as you accept yourself the way you are, as you learn to walk another path.. and walk that path in a good and honorable way, you will find happiness that so far surpasses the conditional, inauthentic so-called happiness inside the church, that you will look back at this entry as the beginning of your life.

    I am now 20 years out of the church. I am 16 years active in the LGBT community, and especially the T community. I have more friends, more people who I call my heart family, and more love than I could ever have imagined.

    May the divine within you, recognize the divine in yourself and in others. So mote it be!

  8. I suggest reading the following post titled "Learn to Labor and to Wait" from the Circling the Wagons Conference, in San Francisco, CA 8/12/12. You can find it at

    In it is insightful information and instruction, right out of the Church's Handbook of Instructions, that, to me, sounds like your Bishop did not understand when he said you must have your records removed. I hope it gives you some comfort to know you may have been treated unfairly by an imperfect man, and that his position is not necessarily that of the Church or others. It's a post worth reading for sure.

  9. Please read this: