Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ive Been Feeling Like Ending My Life...

So lately I've been feeling like ending my life...

It basically has been going on for a while now...

It's been strongly present for about a year and it wasnt until about this last May or so that it hit me really hard... I tried to crash my car into something and kill myself.

Also these past few days or so I've been thinking of nothing but ways I could die or could kill myself. No thought has consumned me more than this, DEATH. I sit and lay there all day in bed not wanting to move or breathe, not wanting to utter a word...

I feel the walls around me and they couldnt be tighter. I hear the echos in the house of my dad yelling, I hear the attitude and the smart mouthed remarks made back and forth, I hear the crying...

I can't take any of it, I dont want to live another day.

A part of me worries that they wont be able to do well without me here, that my brothers or sister need me somehow, that their existence and their happiness in life depends souly on whether or not I allow myself to live.

The other part of me says it doesnt matter, that they're fine. That either way they will get along without me, that they will find their own way.

I tell myself I'm not really needed ... it doesnt really matter if I "check-out" early...

For the past 3 days Ive thought of nothing but killing myself.

I'm fat, I've got no job, I feel as if I'm wasting away, My love life is shit, and I feel as if no one even notices me or even cares...

My brothers can't even stand me being in the same room and my sister treats me like I'm 5yrs old or like some kind of unwanted family dog or pet!

Home is suppost to be safe, home is suppost to feel like love.

Instead to me home is the most dangerous place for me to be... Home is death, home is anger and hurt and raging emotions, home is hatred and sadness... Home is where I want to die...

While I took a shower last night I thought about letting the water fill the tub and strangling myself until I passed out and holding myself under water...

When I drove my car  or turned it on I thought about easing it into the garage when no one is home and rolling down my windows with the ignition still on and the garage door closed and puting on some music while the fumes fill the garage and I slowly die to michael buble, Colbie calleite or lady gaga...

My depression is sooo bad right now and I couldnt even be alone today with my own thoughts screaming at me in my head...

When will I be able to let go of the hurt and the pain that has been caused by the church?

When will I be able to move on?

When will I finally be able to read the scriptures or something that once held great meaning and value to me and not feel like I'm on the edge of my seat and that every inch of my skin is crawling?

When will I be happy and find love?

Where is Lady Gaga when you need her????

120 comments:

  1. Please hang in there because it really does get better. I'm not saying tomorrow will be perfect, but slowly, over time, it gets better. And you have SO many amazing experiences ahead of you in your life, if you can get through this difficult time period. Have you seen the BYU it gets better video? Check it out:

    http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CEcQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DYm0jXg-hKCI&ei=ga0sUJe2DaaByAGWzYHYAw&usg=AFQjCNFoRFzmdz6DyR_WwsHEpVPyqAYRTw

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  2. Please don't. Are you still a student? Can you get some help from your university's LGBTQ center? Suicide is too permanent. Please don't do it.

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  3. Hi friend, a really caring person tipped me off to this post, and I want you to know how important you are. PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. I'm so, so sorry you have had experiences with the church and others that have made you feel so horrible and I want you to know that I KNOW, for sure, that God loves you very, very much, that He is not judging you, and that He truly wants you to be happy--whatever that means for you.

    Please know that the depression lies. (This is a fact that one of my favorite writers who struggles with depression deeply says often.) It's not telling you the truth about yourself or your future, so even though it feels like the depression is telling you truths, please know that it is lying to you. Things won't be better if you leave. You will be deeply missed. You are loved. Your life will have joy again. Things will get better. God does love you. There are people out there that care whether you live or die, and that want you to be happy. Please don't leave.

    Call a friend. Talk to somebody. Please tell a person in your life what's going on. Find a mental health professional in your area. Make yourself do it! You are worth it!

    You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK or visit http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    Know that you are not alone, and that we care about you.

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  4. I can not even imagine the struggles you are going through and I don't know who you are, but hopefully I the words I offer will touch you in some way or another. You are LOVED! Ending your life is not, or ever will be the answer. It may seem like that's all that's left, but I promise things will get better! Weather you are a member of the church or not, your Heavenly Father loves you regardless. He is there wanting to help you!! Open your heart and try to be receptive of His direction. I'm sure you've done this countless times, but keep at it! Even if it results in callouses on your knees. I know a handful of LDS men struggling with these same issues. . .some have decided to stay in the church, others have not. I've watched them over the years and I do believe that things get better. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find peace and happiness in this life! Please continue to fight!

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  5. You are needed. You are important. Please don't let the depression win. My heart hurts for you. Please tell someone in person that you're hurting and don't let them brush it aside. And most importantly you are loved.

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  6. Hey there! Hang on - things really do get better. Listen to Josh - he's giving you some great advice. A lot of us gay Mormons have been in a low spot, so we can understand where you are. But there is a whole wide world filled with really good things and really good people just waiting for you to discover. If you need a friend, shoot me a private email and we can chat. Please, reach out and get some help and support like Josh said. You can get through the storm, I know it!

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  7. I don't know you at all, but I don't have to to know that you are loved. Our Heavenly Father loves you infinitely. Depression is hard and real, but you can beat it! I also recommend the video "It gets better at BYU".

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  8. I do not know you, but I feel so very sorry that you are experiencing these feelings. I have had some tough trials in my life (not exactly the same as yours, but I can relate) I can assure you that the only thing that brought me through what I felt would never end, is PRAYER. Even if you feel like God doesn't care about you, pray that you will feel otherwise. Just as The Weed pointed out that depression lies, so does Satan. He wants you to feel like not a single person cares about you, not even your Creator. But it is a lie. God truly loves all of His children, no matter what. I care about you because you are my brother, and we are all our brothers keepers. Another thing, besides prayer, that really helps me when I am feeling down, is to listen to uplifting MUSIC. It sounds like that is something you are into, so find something you enjoy and that is upbeat and happy, and listen to it over and over and let it fill your mind and body.

    I pray that you find even a moment of peace and that you are able to reach out to someone close. Life is worth living. Just keep hanging on.

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  9. You are wonderful and you are not alone. Satan is powerful and he can alter your thinking to make you feel as though you're not worth it. But God loves you and I know it. God would not make someone that He did not believe in and that He did not love. When you feel alone, know that that is not an influence of the Lord, because God would never want you to feel any less than a precious and loved child of divine parentage. I know that at times life may throw you curveballs, but God is with you and He will never leave or forsake you. Be of good cheer, lift up your heart and rejoice. You are loved and this too shall pass.

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  10. I don't usually post on blogs when I haven't met someone, but I'm trying something new. Josh is right. The depression is lying to you. Depression wins when it extinguishes all hope. You are not the despair you are feeling. You are an important, loved, needed person. I know life can be confusing. It can be downright devastating. But I have come to understand that our time here is precious. We need each other. You have work here to do that only you can do. If you leave, those things will not happen. God loves you. He doesn't want you to give up. He will listen to your prayers.
    I have not felt quite as low, but I second Josh's advice. I also add that if you can, muster what strength you have to do something for someone else. Hopefully as you do, you will see the love in their eyes. You will remember you matter. Because you do.

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  11. I don't know you at all but there are others who do who will be deeply saddened by this I am sure. Please don't hurt yourself or end your own life. That is such a permanent thing and I'm sure that things will get better. I wish I knew you and could sit with you and help you figure all of this out. You are important and will be important to so many in your future. You can get help and beat this depression that is eating away at your spirit. Hang in there. I want you to be happy and ending your life is not going to get you through this trying part of your life. Look for the sun beyond the rain...sometimes even way beyond the rain. That's what I alays do and I seem to always find a lot of it. Let me know if I can help.

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  12. You're important to me! I don't know you, you don't me. That makes little difference. You're important to me! bwjohnson49@yahoo.com. Use that email address whenever you feel the need to bare your soul. I'll respond within 24 hours.

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  13. I understand. I have been sucicidal It is a horrible place to be. My reasons were different, but pain is pain. Josh iss right Depression lies. Your brothers and sister will be hurt if you do this. People sometimes get PTSD from a loved one taking their own life. When I was suicidal I told myself my children would be better off without me. Depression lies, they would have been damaged

    I know you are hurting but hang in there it does get better. I know its hard to believe it know but things can get better. Leslie

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  14. I am proud of you for this post. You have a great many reasons to live. Don't listen to the depression.

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  15. I've also struggled with depression throughout my life, even though most people don't realize it. I highly recommend seeing a therapist ASAP. I myself have found great luck with an LDS therapist, but "shop around" if you need to until you find someone with whom you "click". But don't give up. You are loved, even if members of the church have turned their back (which they should not have!!! They are the ones at fault here, not necessarily you). Heavenly Father wants you to be happy, and He wants you to live. Call 911, call someone, and you'll take a huge step at kicking depression in the butt.

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  16. *offers a hug* Depression does lie as Josh said above. I sincerely hope that you are still alive and able to read these comments. If you are like me and hate talking on the phone, try the http://www.suicideforum.com/

    Life does get better, maybe not now or next week, but one day.

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  17. Remember that there would be no rainbows if there was no rain. Your life can be full of rainbows, only because of the rain that has fallen. Hold on. Most importantly, there would be no rainbow without the sun. Hold on. The light will come. You are a choice son of a loving Heavenly Father. He IS mindful of you and your sorrows and your needs and the goodness that is in your heart, your desires. My teenage years were most difficult for me. Thoughts of death often consumed me. LIfe was so painful. It was truly the knowledge that my Heavenly Father loves me that pulled me through. I knew that my Savior died for me. So, if no one else in the world loved me, I knew that he did - enough to die for me. I remember knowing that after all that my Savior suffered and endured for me, I could not stand before him one day and say "Life was just too hard, I couldn't take it." I have since come to find such a profound peace and comfort through his healing atonement. It is there to heal all wounds, to help not just the sinner, but the sinned against. It is what makes all things right. It is what allows us to mourn all of our losses and heal from them...even the losses of the life that we planned on or wanted and never got. Acknowledging those losses and allowing myself to mourn them and then move on was so liberating.

    I remember the thoughts that I was a burden on my family and no one would miss me. Those were lies. Luckily, in the stillness of a moment of truthfulness with myself, I knew that my loss would be deeply felt by those that I loved and cared for the most. You would be missed. All that you have to do in this life, the difference that only you can make will be missed. Make no mistake about it. You were sent here to succeed, to love, to make a difference, to fulfill a very important mission that only you can do.

    It was fourteen years ago when my returned missionary sister came out to our family. We struggled so much with this revelation from her. For years. Some of the family still does. But time has been a friend in my sister's behalf. She and her life-partner have loved and served and been such a blessing to the world. They have the biggest hearts. At some time in my sister's life, she was largely alone without the support of family once she shared her truth with us. We did not understand. But someone out there did. Thank God for those someone elses, who would be there for her when we were not. This post is in her honor, that I might be there for someone else when I was not there for her. I made a mistake once. I have healed. I understand now. I am not so ignorant. My heart overflows with love for those who hurt and suffer - for you. My thoughts and prayers are for you my friend. Know that you are loved. There is always a promise of spring. You are experiencing winter, but I promise that spring will come with newness and life and sunshine to chase away those clouds and turn the rain into rainbows. Hold on! The light will come!

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  18. I don't even know you but I know two things are true: God loves you NO MATTER WHAT and values you beyond measure and you have a soul that has a infinite capacity to love. Life can be overwhelming and losing our hope for something better can lead us down a dark spiral...I know from personal experience. but someone somewhere needs desperately what YOU uniquely have to offer. I wish I could hug you and tell you life can be better than this so don't give up on it!

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  19. i dont know you.
    But i love you.
    Please dont kill yourself. God loves you and has a plan for you, even if you cant see that right now.
    I have struggled with depression for almost my entire adult life. And then one day (@ a fireside, nonetheless) someone started talking about how satan is the one who makes you think these bad thoughts about yourself. If you could talk to God right now he would only say loving, nice things about you. He knows who you are and what is truly in your heart. WHO CARES if you are overweight or dont have a job! You can change those things. Only satan would let you think that not having a job is an end to all things. And being overweight? i personally like chunk on my man :)
    Five years from now these worries wont matter. Its just right now that they seem overwhelming. Talk to someone. Call the hotline that Josh mentioned. And remember, someone out there loves you and cares about you.
    ::BIG INTERNET HUG::

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  20. Hi, I want you to know that what the others say is true about depression lying to you. My cousin killed herself last a year ago and i've thought about her EVERY single day that has passed since I went to the funeral. I can't look at my baby without thinking about how hard it must be for my aunt to look at babies and not picture her own sweet daughter that ended her own life. Her daughter and sons were there, it was her son that found her, and he is struggling now with depression and has talked of suicide as well, it becomes a cycle, everyone feels guilty and wonders why and always feels regretful and troubled wishing they could have done something, and then that just brings more pain for the ones left behind because of the anger and loss. I'm still angry with my cousin for deliberately leaving everyone that loves her and it saddens me that every thought I have of her is so swiftly followed with such strong negative emotions, I feel like she wasted such a gift because even if she couldn't see it in herself she was a treasure. The truth is though you are a treasure too, please don't dispair find some dignity in your life and live it for you! PLEASE know you are loved, the truth is you are unique and special and you would be missed, those around you would have great saddness and guilt to live with if you were to put them through the pain of suicide...

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  21. Your family does not define you, you can follow a different path. Breaking generational curses can be hard, but the fight is so worth it. To come out o the darkness to see a light brighter than you even thought possible, that is indescribable. And you, yes YOU, can use what you have experienced to help others. You may be that ONE person who reaches out and makes a difference, if even only in one life, that is an amazing thing!! God created you for His purpose and out of love. His heart breaks when you feel this way... and know that by turning to Him for strength, He will lift you up above everything there. He will give you the grace and strenth to overcome ANYTHING! Be to you that you feel He made you to be and live a life you love, life a life that gives love.

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  22. Hang in there.. we all love you.. you can find happiness..

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  23. I'm so sorry to read this post. Things in your life have obviously gone pretty far to make you feel and say these things and I can only barely understand a sliver of what you are going through due to depression. Please don't do it. Every person has worth, no matter what their beliefs or life choices are. I have known several young people who have died, from a police shoot out, car accident, brain clot, drowning and OD and none of them deserved to die and the world missed them. This is true of every single person. There is so much to live for, even if it's the way the sun shines on the dew in a spider's web or a butterfly or how rocks can skip across a lake. Even technology and how groceries can show up at your door if you want them to. But even if that can't convince you, think of how ungrateful it would be to end your life because things are "hard" when the fact is, there are children out there who would jump at the chance to have your life; children who are starving and live in cardboard boxes and count the sips of disease infested water they can manage to find. Those are the ones with "hard" lives. Now imagine what someone like you could do. Instead of taking your own life, do your best to find some immediate help, do what it takes to get out of bed every morning, leave the place that continues to make you feel this way and focus on someone else. A greater cause. Regardless of religion or your injustices, try to help someone else live who doesn't have that choice. Some child, somewhere, who doesn't care how you live your life, will thank you for bringing them some clean food or a blanket. And don't worry about the details. Anyone who is willing to forget themselves in service, can find a sponsor. That's my two cents.

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  24. I don't know the proper words to say to you that will mean something coming from a stranger. I want you to live. We do need you here & we want you. No exaggeration the whole universe will have to rearrange if you're gone. You don't realize the impact you have on so many lives nor do you know how precious you are. It really really will get better. We love you.

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  25. Speaking as someone who found out this morning that my missing sister (gone ~60 hours) tried to kill herself over the weekend and SHOULD have succeeded (says the ER dr. who was shocked she's ok), PLEASE don't do that yet. I don't know everything about your life or family situation (ours is a mess too), but even when there is extreme duress and what seem like a thousand difficult situations in life that seem to add up to a mundane emptiness - there are people who love you fiercely. They may be friends, they may be family, they might be people you don't know well. My whole life I have felt a strong love for the people around me. It is Intense and genuine. I have often seen others and thought things like 'one day I will know why that person in the car next to me is upset, I hope they're doing ok'. I pray for these people, for the people I do not know and love so much. I am not a person in your life, but I can truly and honestly say that I love you hope you can find the strength to talk to someone. You can go to an emergency room and have a few days of respite and counsel in the hospital, you could call a hotline... whatever step you choose please make it forward. It takes so much courage to move for help and so many will be overjoyed that you have. ~A sister in my heart

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  26. Like most posts here, you don't know me.

    This year I have had two very close friends kill themselves. Both funerals were packed with people who loved and supported these men, though they didn't realize the love that surrounded them.

    Your life has value and meaning. I'm sure if you asked your siblings and parents if they needed you, if they'd miss you if you were gone, they'd all say yes. A deep, resounding yes! A yes without any pause for thought.

    I don't even know you, and I feel that love for you. You are not alone, and your life is important. You are so much more than the sickness that makes you feel like you are nothing, and I pray you begin to see that.

    You can email me. I'm always available. Jayciespacie@gmail.com

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  27. Hello again. Just wanted to offer my email, which I forgot to do above. joshua dot weed at gmail dot com.

    I'd really love to hear from you.

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  28. I have been on both sides: suicidal and one left behind. I understand the darkness that you are feeling. I do.
    Suicide is truly, truly a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Rather than succumbing to the negative, choose to make positive strides in your life. Call one of the suicide hotlines; they can help you find local resources.
    You mentioned your weight and joblessness. Start going for walks. Freshen up your resume. Maybe find a career counselor to help you out. Go back to school, if you're not already attending. Go somewhere with dorms so you can get out of your parents' house. It doesn't sound like a healthy environment.
    It's always darkest before the dawn - so hang on for your sunrise. I hope you update us soon that you're ok.

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  29. I don't know you. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I have had my own feelings of worthlessness, depression, despair, and hopelessness. What you said about everywhere you go, you think about how you could end your life sound exactly how I felt.

    I finally decided to talk to a counselor as a last effort. I am so glad that I did. It completely changed my life. I still struggle with depression, but my life is so much better now. Please seek help. Your family cares about you. It may not seem like they do, but I'm sure they would be devastated if anything happened to you. I am a mother, and I love my children, no matter what they do, I will still love them. There are people who love you unconditionally.

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  30. I think that you should put your guilt aside and seek out a councelor and get some antidepressants even if it is only temporary. I dont know your home situation and I am sorry that you do not seem to have support. You must be selfish right now and take care of you. You may not believe it right now but you are important and you will find your place but first you must be alright with you. I struggle with depression and take antidepressants daily. depression and gay are two different things. While they may both come into play in your life, You will never be okay with yourself until you get out of that deep dark hole you are in. Deal with the depression NOW. Go to Health department or some for free service. If you dont have a job I am assuming you dont have insurance. The health department has services available. Even though it is hard make it a goal to check into medicaid or something similar to help you through this time.
    God loves us all and though you are Mormon, go to another church if you must, that can give you some support. You have chosen the gay life style so find a church that welcomes gays and make some friends that understand. Do not fill yourself with hate for the religion of your birth it will only bring you down further, instead fill yourself with the Love of God in whatever way you can. And most of all-forgive yourself for not being perfect.

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  31. Please, please see that things will change. It sounds like you need to talk to someone who will listen without judgement. You need love and support. There are so many people who want to give it- please hang in there. I am from Sacramento - I live in Minneapolis now. If you need a friend, contact me. I would love to get you connected to some amazing people in Sacramento. Also - Josh Weed is a great guy- and I am sure he would be a good friend. I found out about you from Josh. Please remember- I know it's kinda cliche- but it gets better!!!

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  32. Like many others have said, I don't know you personally, so I can't tell you specifically what makes you amazing but I guarantee that you are, in fact, amazing. You write with such clarity and emotion, and it seems like you care deeply about the people around you. These are incredible gifts that not everyone in the world possess, and I'm guessing that these things just scratch the surface of who you are as a person. Please don't deprive the world of the wonderful things you have to offer.

    Being overweight is hard, being jobless is hard, having a family that doesn't get along is hard, leaving your religion is hard, and depression takes all those problems and mashes them altogether until they feel like a black hole that can't be escaped. But I promise that you can. The journey out will be something only you can navigate, but I promise that you can do it.

    I've dealt with depression all my life. I can't remember ever not having it. From the time I was eleven until I was seventeen I was deeply suicidal. To get to the point where I valued life again it took a lot of work, a whole host of mental health professionals, I couldn't even tell you how many different drugs and herbal supplements, but more than anything it took time. Just like our bodies, our souls can heal if we give it enough time and care.

    It's hard to get help but there is relief to be found if you can just find the strength inside yourself to reach out.

    And after you do, go rent a funny movie or read a funny blog. If you've never read http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ I highly recommend it. Although she doesn't update anymore her last post is actually a post about depression that was both funny and poignant. But my point is, find something harmless that you can escape into for awhile, step outside of your head for a bit and find some relief until you can get some more permanent aid in your quest for emotional well being.

    Remember that above the clouds and beyond the darkness, the sun is always shining.

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  33. There are a lot of things I don't understand, but I absolutely know that Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to succeed. Better days are ahead! I've struggled with depression, and I know that those thoughts are so powerful but I also know that they are lies from Satan. He wants you to be miserable. Your Heavenly Father wants you to be happy, truly, deeply, and completely. I love you as your sister. We all do. Hang in there. You are uniquely you and therefore you are important.

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  34. I have taken three people I loved to the emergency room for suicidal urges or attempted suicide and visited two others who were hospitalized for the same reasons. It was terrible to see these amazing, beautiful, LOVED people feel so hopeless, alone, and despairing--but I am so, so, SO grateful they are still here. That each of them accepted help even though they could not envision even a glimmer of hope in the future. It is so hard and takes so much trust. You can do it. I know you can. I could not imagine my life without any one of those five people who so desperately wanted to end theirs, and I am eternally grateful to each of them for being brave enough, selfless enough, to keep trying even though their pain was so profound and so real. I know there are people in your life who will be equally grateful if you keep going. We need you. The world needs you. You are a child of God and He will never, NEVER reject you or forsake you. You have a mission to fulfill that is yours alone--no one can take your place. No one can bring the beauty, the courage, the insight into life that is only yours to give. There is someone who needs your love, your compassion, your understanding and your stories. Don't give up. Please don't give up. Go to the hospital if you are not safe. Call the hotlines. Just...be here tomorrow. Please.

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  35. I've found reading accounts of near-death experiences to be interesting when I want to know what dying might be like. This one I think you should read:

    http://www.near-death.com/experiences/suicide04.html

    I think what is most interesting about this account is that she learns that "willingness" makes the difference between someone who can feel love, learn things, and feel God's/ Christ's complete compassion, comfort, and unconditional love for us. Please don't be this kind of unwilling! You might make a grave mistake that will leave you empty and cut off from feeling light and love from around you, maybe even from these posts of encouragement.

    The other good thought in this: "hell is primarily a state of mind." Apparently you stay in that state of mind before and after death until you are able to (through using your "willingness") somehow change/ evolve/ learn.

    I echo what everyone else has said. Please know that so many people want to offer their love and support and many have so much compassion for what you're going through, having had similar experiences. It's also apparent that your life can greatly affect others in positive or negative ways so don't forget that reality.

    Sending my love, acceptance, and hopeful energy your way and wishing you the best in life..! I know that praying for you will actually send good forces your way and so you'll be mentioned in my prayers today!

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  36. I feel for ya, man. I've had thoughts of being alone, with no support. I've thought about suicide. I have thought "Why am I alive? What am I living for?" And you know, I don't have the answer yet. I have hopes for the future that I'm working hard to achieve, but I have had much anxiety about everything falling apart and nothing working out. But I do believe that God loves me. I believe that he designed my life to help me to learn how to accept as much happiness as I'm willing to accept. So now I'm trying to learn to be happy. I'm trying to learn to be happy alone, without needing anyone else to love me. I want others to love me, and I do have some wonderful friends who support me, but I'm not depending on that anymore. I'm learning to be happy by myself, for myself. And I believe that following God is the only way to find that. I am happier and more secure now than I have been in the past, and I see a connection between this and the time of my life when I decided that I would do all that God wants me to do. I hope you can find happiness. I'm praying for you.

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  37. Like many of the previous posters, I don't know you, but I want you to know that you ARE loved and that it DOES get better. Please reach out - there are so many people who can help you get through this. Know that you have millions of us behind you, even though we may never meet in real life. You ARE important and deserving of acceptance and love.

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  38. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. You say that nobody notices you, but look at all these strangers that are posting and supporting you! I am a Mormon, and it saddens me that so many Mormons are hateful towards homosexuals. Isn't one of the greatest commandments to love thy neighbor? I I have never seen "love thy neighbor except coffee drinkers... smokers... those who don't pay tithing... those who work on Sundays... homosexuals..." No, it is "love thy neighbor" period. I know that our Heavenly Father loves you, and that he is hurting for you right now. I know that you have many people praying for you right now, me included.

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  39. Don't give up. Depression is real and it is a horrible and debilitating thing. I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, and Anxiety the end of my senior year and have struggled with it since. Have you seen a doctor and a therapist? Those two things would be what I would recommend to start helping you find your way out of this dark place. I would also recommend reading my brother's coming out post on his blog. He posted twice above as The Weed and you should really take him up on emailing him. I recommend reading his post for the soul purpose of hearing someone who understands and who is telling you how much you are loved no matter what path you choose in life. You are loved and you will be missed if you leave. Depression is excellent at making us feel like we don't matter and that nobody care's about us but it is all lies. I mean look at all these people who are reaching out to you, perfect stranger's who are rooting for you and want you to find happiness. Don't give up there is always a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel may seen.

    Maquel

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  40. While not from the same situations, I too have suffered from depression and have attempted suicide. All I can say is RUN to your nearest mental health professional and GET HELP. If some miracle happened and everything changed for the better tomorrow, you would still be depressed. That's the nature of depression; once you are depressed your brain chemistry is altered, and you will need help to get it back to normal. And please be patient with your treatment -- it takes time, and if it includes medication there's a chance the first or even second may not be the best for you. Please get help -- it does work.

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  41. at 60, I've struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and a "not a very classic Mormon marriage" for many, many years. I've often felt alone and completely exhausted from the pain of my feelings.

    Take a deep breath, and know this: There WILL be GOOD days that make enduring the bad days well worth it! PROMISE!

    When you are suicidal, don't drive, don't take prescription meds, don't own a hand gun, etc. a.k.a Don't make it easy to end things! Try not to be alone too much. Get a pet that relies on you for survival: a puppy to walk & feed, etc so you aren't only thinking of yourself!

    concerning The Church and your family. There are many Non-Christ-like Mormons. Sorry, but there are. I know the difference between loving someone and agreeing with their life-choices. (I've raised 2 sons & been married a long time....) I'm sorry your family, your home folks cannot make you feel loved. Realistically, it is hard for humans to put aside their upbringings, their indoctrinations, their beliefs. My spouse knows I accept him and some of his quirky preferences, even though I don't agree with his choices. Acceptance & love are different than approval.

    enough for now.

    live until tomorrow, please.
    Haze

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  42. OK, give us an update that you are still with us, please?

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  43. I hope you're okay. Worried about you.

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  44. Please don't leave!

    Depression LIES. It tells you no one will miss you, it says you're worthless, it says that you have nothing to live for, but it's all a LIE. You HAVE worth, you ARE loved, people will miss you if you leave, so don't go anywhere, please!

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  45. I sincerely hope you are okay. "It gets better" probably sounds cliche, and when you're in the throes of depression, it certainly feels like it. I don't know you, but I am really worried about you and I want you to be okay. Life seems really crappy right now, and perspective is making you feel like it isn't worth living.

    I wish I could instill into your heart that no matter how much it seems that it isn't true, you are valuable and you are loved. Ending your life WILL affect people in a negative way. I hope you can find the happiness you richly deserve, and I hope that it isn't too late; that you are reading all these comments and knowing that people do care about you.

    I hope we hear from you soon.

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  46. Hi. I was going to write a lot, and share a lot of personal experience and try to relate, but after a quick prayer it just didn't feel like the right thing to say. All you really need to know is that you are loved. God loves you. I love you.
    I feel inspired to refer you to D&C Section 122, In which, the Prophet Joseph receives revelation while he is imprisoned at Liberty Jail. The Lord lists all of the trials and pains that would come his way, ending with a divine reference to His plan. "...know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."
    It is easy to read this and roll one's eyes, scoffing at the idea that any good will come from a momentary struggle that seems so large, until one reads verse 8: "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" Jesus Christ loves you. He understands everything about you, and he loves you still.

    I also wanted to refer you to www.joshweed.com, his Club Unicorn post. I don't mean to suggest you live the lifestyle he does, I simply think that it would comfort you to know there are other homosexual Mormons out there, and that there is more than one lifestyle to choose from. Whatever you do will not affect how much the Lord loves you-- he always will. All that really matters is that you do what feels right to you, because what feels right will make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

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  47. Hey hey- i tried to hit you up on yahoo - but it said it wasnt't a valid ID. Feel free to text: 801-548-1479 or email: chairboy2000@hotmail.com and i'd be glad to chat with you. As you can see there are at least 40 people here that care enough to read and re-read your post, and to share it with people they love and trust as well.

    It does get better. Focus on the good things in your life, look for the light, seek out good people who will lift you up. There are hundreds or thousands of people out there who have been where you are right now. Life can be beautiful. Sending you love and light.

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  48. Its a deep dark hole, ive been there, believe in yourself hope for better things, see the light, know you are loved and learn that you can love yourself.

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  49. If I could be with you, I would hold you in my arms and together simply breathe in the deep sadness you feel. You would feel the warmth of my body and hear the beating of my heart. I would feel your warmth and hear the life giving blood pulse through your body - a constant reminder that God is mindful of you. Even the darkest days are followed by sunrise. I honor your pain. You hurt for good reasons. Allow yourself to live another day to see the sun rise and melt away some of the pain you feel.

    You are loved, needed, and worthy of happiness. God bless you my brother.

    Steve
    208.339.1052

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  50. each one of us has a place in this world, and a purpose. Sending love.

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  51. I want to share a true story I read out of a recent newspaper:
    "More than one hour after the gold-medal athlete had crossed the finish line during the marathon in the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City, John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzamia entered the stadium. Only a few spectators remained as the lone runner appeared. The athlete's leg was injured and bleeding. He was dehydrated and confused. As he crossed the finish line, the small crowd cheered in appreciation for what would become one of the most famous last-place finishes in history. But it wasn't the runner's performance that caught their attention - and the attention of thousands more during the almost five decades since. It was his desire to finish the race, to endure to the end. After the event in 1968, a reporter asked the runner why he had not quit the race since he had no chance of winning. The Tanzanian athlete was confused. "My country did not send me to Mexico City to start the race," he replied. "They sent me to finish".

    The Lord didn't sent you to quit early. Although I can't even imagine the difficulties you are dealing with, the Lord understands, and they are not impossible, at least, not with the Lord on your side. He can lift your burden. Hang onto the hope that the future will be brighter. This life really is short, although it may not seem that way now. Hang in there. There are people who care for you and want you to succeed. There are many opportunities in this life to lift others, to be a friend. Maybe not everyone has been there for you, but you can be there for others. Your life has a purpose, and there is no doubt that you can receive the strength you need to endure. Finish the race. There are many cheering you on!

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  52. Like many on here I don't know you....but already I care about you...I care very much what happens to you!! Dont end your life too early..it truly does get better....if you leave today you will miss out on the opportunity to get away from your home an meet the millions of wonderful amazing people out in the world who will welcome you and love you and embrace you just as you are!!! Suicide is not the answer to the problem. I know it seems too hard to push through the bad right now especially when its hardest at home where you are supposed toe feel safe...but if you can stick it out you will see that you can create your own home somewhere else with people who love you and care. You CAN create a new family full of wonderful people who will surround you with goodness and love...but if you end it now you will never get to see the sun!! Don't go!! Stick it out!! Life gets better...stay with us for yourself...fight for your self...and if thats not enough fight for the multitude of kids who will hear your story of survival when they need it most....by surviving this you might give at least 1 other person hope and a reason to get through the bad!!...God loves...God made everyone even you...God loves everyone even thoughs who don't believe.....He LOVES you!!! dont give up on his ultimate gift of life...he has a plan for you....keep going!!!

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  53. Try finding one thing that makes you happy, focus on that one thing and let the happiness spread into other aspects of your life. For me, it was simply just spending time at the beach alone. You deserve to be happy. No matter how low or dark life is for you, you deserve it.

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  54. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  55. You are loved. I don't know you, and I can tell you right now that life is worth living, hard as it may seem. So many people love you. So many people want to help, and all it may take is one for you to get to a better place. Please seek help. It is worth it. Life is worth it. You are worth it.

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  56. I'm sorry, I don't have the right words. Just please hang on even if it's just today and then the next day. I have brothers and while we don't live together anymore, I still desperately need them. If I were to lose one of them, my life would be dark.

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  57. I have noticed the times that people don't feel loved is when people love them the most. I don't know you, but outside of your home is a world that is waiting to embrace you in. To use your strengths and surrond you with people that love you. Give life a second chance and it will take a chance on you. You are so loved and I am so sorry that you have not had the best experience with the church, but Heavenly father knows you by name is willing to embrace you with love and upliftment if you allow him the chance. Please allow those who are capable to help you out with these thoughts, They make all the difference in the world. Please remember you are loved!

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  58. I don't know if this is too late, but I want to try anyway. You truly are more important than you will ever know. Please do not take yourself from this world. I know that people can be so hurtful. I have never dealt with as much as you have, and I will never pretend to, but I do KNOW that you are wanted and cared for. I used to be anorexic. Everyone always thought my sister was prettier and more beautiful than me. I even overheard my mother and sister talking about me. No one loved me. But I was so wrong.
    Look at all of these comments. These people, including myself, genuinely care about if you live or die. And we all want you to live. Pray to heavenly father. Speaking to him helps.

    My email is bluefoxiefox@yahoo.com. I am a friend. And I care about YOU.

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  59. I found your blog on Josh Weed's site. I just wanted to tell you that two years ago, my uncle took his life. It was the most devastating thing my family has ever endured. Like you, he felt that he wasn't important and needed in life and that others would get along without him. Well, we haven't. It has been a very rough road to say the least. He was so talented, so giving, so kind, just a beautiful person. We needed his influence in our family and in our life and now it is gone. GONE! I cannot tell you how many tears have been shed, how many regrets have been confessed ... it is so heartbreaking.

    I don't know you at all, it's true. But I want you to know that you have a purpose. God needs you on Earth -- YOU, not the straight version of you, the person who you are TODAY. He needs you and we all need you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you. The gay community needs your influence in the world. Don't lose hope! I can't imagine how hard it is to be in your shoes. I'm sure your feelings are 100% valid. But just know the world is rooting for you. You are important. You are a child of God.

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  60. There are people who need you. There are people who would feel the loss intrinsically. The world would morn the tragedy of its loss of all that is you. The world needs more people like you, and less churches, less hatred, less oppression. You need to stay and help tilt the scales fr the rest of us, you need to keep the voice of those who stand for love and acceptance strong. Please! I implore you, from the bottom of my heart. I want to die, my friend. I think of suicide all the time, and I don't even have an excuse. My friends and family love me, and tell me so all the time. I have a job, and a lot of love in my life, but sometimes I am so terriblye saddened by the state of the world. Blogs like the one I just read from you, make my heart want to stop beating because it hurts so bad. I am so angry, too. I grew up Mormon, and although I am not gay, I am incredibly supportive of gay rights, it was largely responsible for my leaving the church (among other terrible injustices). But I have chosen to stay. I have chosen to be a voice for those who feel like they don't have one. I've decided to stand in solidarity and use this giftof lifeflrsomething good, if I can help it. I don't believe it's a gift from god, or from anyone, but I do believe it is a gift. I believe we have eternity to be dead, so we might as well try and make the best of this short short time we have to be alive and conscious. There is bad in the world, the is evil, there is sorrow. But there is also love, beauty, wonder beyond belief. Someone loves you. I love you. Someone needs you. I need you. Please stay.

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  61. It may not be right away. In fact, it may take a while, but IT WILL GET BETTER. Please reach out for help and accept it. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!

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  62. Dude. I prayed for you tonight. I hope you're okay. Ditto to the great things others have said. Please know that we really mean it. You are important to this world and to Heavenly Father. Things always work out in His time. Sending all my good vibes and well wishes your way.
    Love, Valerie

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  63. I don't know you either, but I wish that I did. Sending all of my love, prayers and support your way. You are wanted and you are loved. If you doubt, read the previous 62 comments again.

    I read a quote yesterday that read, "When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time".

    Don't give up. You are loved.

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  64. Just wanted to add to all these friend's messages that you are so loved and you are being prayed for right now more than you can imagine. I know no one knows exactly what you are going through because they are not YOU. What got me through the worst of my depression and the suicidal thoughts was the final realization that there WAS someone who knew what I was going through, Jesus. No matter who you are or where you are in your faith He still knows you and knows your hurt and still loves you. I KNOW THIS. Please, please I hope you will come to know this too.
    And please let us all know how you are doing

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  65. This part: "A part of me worries that they wont be able to do well without me here, that my brothers or sister need me somehow, that their existence and their happiness in life depends souly on whether or not I allow myself to live." This is the part you need to listen to. Suicide is selfish. It is not an escape to pain, it is the beginning for everyone in your world. Your world now includes ALL OF US. We will all be in pain if you decide to "check out" early. Our pain will not even be a speck of what your family and friends would feel! I know you feel alone. I know you feel like there is no one who knows how you feel. YOU ARE WRONG TO THINK THAT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. About a hundred strangers who have never even MET YOU are now rooting for you to survive. YOU CAN SURVIVE. And after you make the choice to keep on living, I PROMISE YOU, it will get better. It. gets. better. It really and truly -no lie- gets better. Don't give up on the great future that is waiting for you if you just give it a chance!!!

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  66. Hey buddy. I'm writing this in hopes that it helps somehow. I want you to know that you are loved. There is always hope while you're still here. You can be happy again. Trust me, I know what it's like.
    -Aaron

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  67. I am so so sorry you this way. It pains my heart immensely. I don't know where you are at right now, but just know that there are those who are crying for you right now and praying for the very best.

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  68. 1) God loves us AS WE ARE. I'm not LDS but I believe this with all my heart and I see that Mormons do as well. Rules/laws/restrictions/limitations on how we should live are written down and interpreted by people, and even the saints among us are limited by human minds and hearts; how other people judge you and your actions has nothing to do with God's infinite love.
    2) You will find people (within your own communities, home and school and work, who are as scared as you are to say what they really feel, as well as strangers) who love you just as you are. And you will find someone you are meant to be with, and feel more yourself than you ever did before.
    3) Depression isn't just a psychological lie, it's a medical lie. There is medical help. PLEASE get that -- call one of the help lines that have already been left on this post. There is no shame in saying that you can't go on with the way things are, but the solution is not to stop trying to go on at all.
    We don't know each other, but love and best wishes across the distance.

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  69. Sending loving thoughts and peace to you from the Bay area. Know that God loves each of us unconditionally. I hope you will find a professional who can help you--your life is important in the world and to all of us. Peace be with you.

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  70. What you are going through means so much to so many of us. It is the embodiment of our fears and we all want to see you come off conqueror. You are part of the ultimate fight. If you win, we have all won a victory. If you lose, we all feel a part of that loss.

    There's a lady named Byron Katie who had an understanding come to her when she herself was in a place of darkness and pain. It brought her light and peace and happiness. It changed her life and she now considers it her life work to help others be able to do the same. It doesn't tell you how to live or what to believe -- that is up to you. It is a simple method of learning how to see things for as they really are. And the result is true inner peace.

    You are unique, you are a wonderful child of God. He loves you more than you can imagine. He's fighting the fight with us.

    Take a look at http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/facilitationguide_Eng.pdf. No hidden agendas.

    With love,
    == Will

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  71. Hey, please respond. :( We're all worried about you.
    I know you've never met me, but I want you to know that we love you. God loves you. Go to him in prayer.
    Suicide is NOT worth it. I considered killing myself a few times in the past year, due to certain struggles I won't enumerate besides the depression. But IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!! My aunt killed herself in 2010. There's still a wound in our family where she used to be. Please don't so that to your family.
    Besides, now you've got us emotionally invested. :) Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

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  72. Don't go. I love you and want you to stay, and I've never even met you. Please, let us know if you're okay.

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  73. It does get better. As everyone here has said.

    I've struggled with anxiety and depression (plus moderate ADD and mild OCD) since middle school. I'm almost 30 now, and it's still a struggle. Every semester I think I might have to drop out of school because it's such a struggle. Because it's so terribly hard to even get out of bed sometimes. But it has definitely gotten better. Much, much better. Finding a good therapist and actually believing that God loves me--ME--for who I am. The good and the bad. That's made all the difference. Also, stubbornly choosing to love myself.

    I still have bad days, and I definitely know what it's like to have suicidal and self-harming impulses. Today was a bad anxiety day. But I'm so much stronger--so much better able to use good coping mechanisms--than I was 3 years ago when I started therapy. I never ever ever thought I would find even this much peace.

    Life is worth it. Your life is worth it. Every person has beauty in their spirits. Every life has meaning. Your does. God sees it and loves it.

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  75. <3 love you. keep up the fight. because you are needed and loved. there are things that you and you alone can accomplish. hang in there. we need you.

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  76. Hey man,
    I am not sure who you are, but I really really hope you are okay. Trust me in that this is not the best option for you and that I would be definitely willing to talk if you need it. People who read my blog did the same for me, and I think just getting my feelings out there to a listening ear really helped.

    I spent nearly 23 years of my life living in West Texas where there really wasn't any support for people like you and me. I felt like I was stuck in a rut and that there was no possible way for me to be happy. I felt like I could never make my family happy and that I would always be a disappointment.

    But I realized that that just wasn't true! For me, the fact that I was a "child of God" was of great worth to me. You are a child of God, too! He loves you more than anything, and clearly so many others care about you.

    Please don't do anything to harm yourself and please let us know that you are ok.

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    Replies
    1. You're an awesome dude Evan. I'm proud of you and how you've found your way through the struggles to a good life. It's inspiring.

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  77. Don't harm yourself. Try to step out of the pain that you are feeling right now. Take a walk in a beautiful place, watch a funny movie, do something to focus your mind on all the wonderful things in life. Try to make that a pattern every day. There is no doubt that there can be very dark days in life, especially for those of us wrestling with our sexuality. But life has so much good to offer you and you have so much good to offer others. Hang in there! You are loved.

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  78. I'm from Sacramento and am willing to violate my general hesitation to meet fellow bloggers in person. E-mail me using the link on my profile page and we can meet for a meal. I promise I won't try to convince you that everyone else, including me, knows better when it comes to living your life. But I will try to show you that maybe there's more to your life that makes it worthy of living than perhaps you are considering. I can show you how I made a disaster of my life and still managed to rebuild and find a fair amount of joy afterwards. The offer is there any time.

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  79. Hey...can we talk? I was raised Mormon, I am gay, and I am a Psychiatrist. Please get hold of me. Send me an email to danielparkinson@yahoo.com and if you give me your phone number I can call you, or I can give you my number, or we can chat on Skype or FB.

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  80. I tried killing myself 2 years ago. Mormon, gay, married, kids, 37. I didn't and have to tell you I'm finally FINALLY happy. I just met the most amazing man and have figured out my life. I figured it out with God though that did mean much in terms of change. I didn't compromise myself to do it though. I'm a friend who loves you. It can get better...it will get better....reach out to me or any other person here or in your life who loves you. Reach me through my own story and blog. http://aaronandstephanieslife.blogspot.com/

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  81. You are loved.
    You are valued.
    You have many important things to do.
    Talk to God and feel peace in your heart.
    Then, talk to Josh because he is a really loving and decent guy. I know. He is a friend of mine.
    I know you are a survivor. Let us know how you are. I will pray for you. I think all of us will...

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  82. I have been where you are. Don't give up, don't give in. Life is better than the way you are feeling or being treated. There are many you can connect with to help you through your journey to make it less hurtful. You are loved!

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  83. God loves you. May he bless you and keep you. Please talk to someone, about this. Josh Weed has been trying to get in touch with you.

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  84. Please hang in there and keep going. God loves you just the way you are. You are the person God made you to be, not what some church or religion defines you as being. God made you to love and be loved. I've been where you are. Now, after 21 years of wonderful relationship -- state-sanctioned and unofficial -- to the woman who became my life-partner and is now my legal wife, I am so very glad that I didn't listen to the religious hate-groups that told me God hated my "sin" and didn't want me unless I conformed to their idea of the "truth."

    God doesn't hate us. Society and religions teach us to hate ourselves and then they blame God for it. God loves you and so do I. Please talk to someone at your local gay and lesbian center. There are people out there who very much want to help you and love you and be your friend. God bless you.

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  85. Hey, Are you there? There is love! Its everywhere. I love you. I care about you. We dont even know each other, and I CARE! Dont dwell on the negitive stuff. There is lots of positive. Find it, consentrate on only that.
    I want to here from you.
    Kelly

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  86. Please get in touch with Carol Lynn Pearson or Mitch Mayne before you do anything. There is a world of love out there, I promise. Hang in there:)

    mitch.mayne@facebook.com

    carollynn.pearson@facebook.com

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  87. I know exactly what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my family when they found out I was a lesbian. I struggled with depression for years.
    Know that God will always love you no matter what. I don't know you but I love you :)
    If you need to talk to anyone facebook me.

    http://m.facebook.com/?_rdr#!/newmommytobe91?__user=748474123

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  88. Hey friend. I am hoping and praying all is well for you today. I have contacted Carol Lynn Pearson and she has read your blog and would love to help. If you don't know her, you should get to know her. She is amazing and she can help you. Email her at carollynnpearson@gmail.com if you have a moment. She is hoping to be able to talk to you.

    We are thinking of you.

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  89. The Lord loves you so so much. He knows your pain. Please be happy. This life is so that man might have joy. Please realize that you CAN be happy. We all love you and care for you and want to see you smile and laugh! :) whatever decisions you make for your life, let them be for your LIFE! :D

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  90. Please don't check out. We need you. The community around you needs your presence and your light and your goodness. Please let us know if you're okay.

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  91. Don't do it. The world needs you. You are unique and you have a signature, a way of being, a contribution to the world around you that is unique to only you. If you are gone, there will be no one to fill your place. It does get better. I promise.

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  92. I felt the same way about 9 months ago and I got into counseling and it helped. Last week I started hearing the same thoughts in my head again. I am trying to get those thoughts out of my head and hearing you say the same type thing makes me hurt for you. The world needs you. You have so many awesome things you can still do in this world. To hell with the church. To hell with your family. Don't let them win by taking you away too young. Get the help you need now and start your new path to happiness as soon as you can.

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  93. I am yet another person who doesn't know you personally, but I just want you to know that you are important and loved. I've struggled with depression for years and have been very close to suicide as well. It does get better. I don't know if it's an option for you right now, but medication has made a huge difference in my life. I am local and I'm willing to listen and help. I know you've been given a lot of people's contact information and it might be a bit overwhelming, but if you would like to contact me my email is jamiblogs at gmail dot com.

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  94. Sending you lots of love. Hope you're okay. You have a lot of people worried about you. :(

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  95. I understand how it feels to think you're all alone in the world, helpless with no options and no friends. Be strong and wait a little longer. There are people that love you, and your love means something. Your love and your heart are still needed in this world. Find a way that you can survive one day at a time and someday your trials will make sense. You're not alone.

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  96. I promise that better days are ahead. Hang in there...I'm glad I did.

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  97. DON'T DO IT!! I have felt the pain you have felt and I try to understand how it must feel to struggle with the pressures of decisions you have been forced to make. Just in your last post you said that you felt stronger than ever. Hold on to that strength! You are incredible and have so much ahead of you in life that you cannot possibly anticipate now. Don't you want to hang in there and find out what amazing opportunities will open up and what awesome experiences you will have? It will get better. I know it will-- you are stronger than most just by going through the challenges you have faced. It may seem now that no one cares, but sometimes people don't know how to express their love. It can hurt, but they do love you and you need to know that. I sincerely hope that everything works out for you!

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  98. Hey my friend. Been there. Tried that. And hope you don't. Can we talk? Openly gay executive secretary in my bishopric in San Fran, not far from you. Have a couple leaders here who'd also love to talk with you to help put this in perspective. Email me--mitchmayne@gmail.com.

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  99. Email this guy. You found the power to ask for help. It sounds like he has the power to do just that.

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  100. Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up. Positive vibes for you, and kudos for the strength to share. We're with you.

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  101. I just want to post for those waiting and praying that this beautiful young man is currently safe and sound. Keep those messages of love and support coming.

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    1. Thanks for letting us know. Glad he's in caring hands. Sending my love from AZ!

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  102. It appears you have dozens and dozens of people who understand to some degree what you are going through. I am one of them.

    I too am fat, gay, unemployed, battling depression (most of my life), and feeling unloved. But I've lived long enough (Im over 50) to understand that life is worth it even when the great liar and deceiver that depression can be, tries to convince you otherwise.

    I am praying for you my fellow traveler. You are loved and wanted. Don't let anything convince you otherwise.

    leon d berg (another Californian)

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    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-XZRNL9ZnyM#!

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  103. I'm here , I may not be in your exact shoes but I've been exactly where you are . You are loved from far away and if you want to talk or just to vent email me at dmgill84@gmail .com I'm danielle by the way .

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  104. I just watched a Mormon message today that really touched me and I thought I would share this. It's about not giving up.

    Here's the link....

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8nczw6xHJ0I

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  105. I hope you are okay. Know that you are loved and are important. You are young and have so much to live for. Life can be hard at times but extremely beautiful also. Hugs!

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  106. This is something I have never shared with anyone. In college I was at my end. All my roommates were out for winter vacation and I was left alone. The entire campus was practically empty for Christmas! I took a knife and was ready to slit my wrists when my front door flew open and a neighbor boy I knew came smiling in. He saw the knife and I burst into tears. He had no idea and we barely knew eachother but he held me in his arms and said something I will NEVER forget, "I once tried to kill myself but a friend came just in time. Maybe he saved me so I could be here to save you. And maybe there's someone you need to save too". Maybe its you, or maybe someone else! But just think about the future and one day someone might need you to be there to stop them from doing the unthinkable. What if you ended your life today and aren't there to help that future somebody. Someone needs you! And many love you!

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    1. A shout out to everyone who has written here -- I have read all your messages! I thank you for your loving words and for the resources you've provided -- I loved the BYU video, The Work, Shaytards, and the SF Gay Men's Chorus! Thank you Mr. Weed for showing me the way to this page! Which one of us doesn't need to hear these things, but most of all, to feel Loved? We all do... SO MUCH!! And I think that the people here all know what it feels like to be in pain... deep, heart pain. And they're all alive and carrying hope and light to others!

      Dear friend, hang in there. I know what it feels like, too... I've felt and continue to feel suffering that is like yours -- even similar circumstances! Most of all, God knows, and cares so deeply. He lives in us and feels all that we feel. He even lived the pain and death Himself. Now I say this and KNOW that many a time, I do not believe in God, I do not believe that He loves me, and I certainly do not believe that others love me. I go from one belief to the other: that God exists and loves me, and that there are people in my life who love me -- to the opposite. I think the opposite is hell. It must be. And so, my heart feels both Heaven and hell. In any given day. Now I want to share with you that I think -- I don't always feel -- but I think that we can make this choice, moment by moment, and that this is the holy work of God. "Jesus answered and said to them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in the one he sent'” (John 6:29). God helps us to make this choice. If you take a moment to still and quiet yourself, and in the depths of your heart, ask if God exists, and if God loves you, and if others love you -- ask yourself if this is TRUE* -- then you will know, and recognize, and realize that you believe, and that this makes all the difference. Then you will begin to see, and feel, and act on this truth. It will take work, yes, moment to moment, to bring this belief to your heart, to really begin to FEEL LOVED, but it can be done, I promise you!! And you know why? Because it really is true my friend... and His love will never die or fail. So we just need to create these little openings in our souls, little by little. Now, I also know that sometimes your answer will be an honest: I DON'T KNOW. I don't know if any of this is true... And that is okay too!! Because that simply is an invitation to go on the magnificent search for Truth... to find out for yourself if God is really out there, and if he loves you, and if there is any love in the world at all. To be open to this journey, to take the first step, this is the beginning of wisdom, and it will lead you to AMAZING places!!! And then your faith will not simply be a copy of what someone else said, but it will be authentic and lived and rooted in your own experience! Don't be afraid... Don't fear the pain my friend, it has so much to show you...

      I'm here for you, too, among all the others. Email anytime and we can even share phone numbers if you'd like! petrichora (at) gmail (dot) com

      Love and peace!!! <3

      * Here's the link again for The Work -- it is a simple but powerful exercise! http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/facilitationguide_Eng.pdf

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  107. People here have posted some lovely, touching comments; and many have been in your shoes and reach out because they know how it feels. But I don't. I don't know of your desperate heartache and unceasing pain through experience. I would be "just some lady in your ward with a bunch of young kids.". But I weep now for your suffering, and for how utterly alone you feel. I pray that the Saviour will wrap His loving arms around you and help you through this dark abyss. That you will come out on the other side and be able to help others because you were able get through this. Please don't give up. Your family needs you, your life is valuable and important. You are loved by God and by strangers. It will get better, but only if you let it with time. You have to be around for it to get better!. I'm a Mormon and don't give a rats a** if your gay. You are still loved. Your sexual orientation has no effect on that, unless people Mormon or not, are ignorant. "As I have loved you, love one another". There were no qualifiers following that statement. It doesn't matter what our faults are - we all need to love, as we all desperately need love. Please get help. And come back from the edge.

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  108. I am glad to hear that you are still with us, and I hope you get the love and support you so richly deserve. You deserve happiness and joy and I hope you find it. Never forget that even when you feel so, so alone, you never really are. The outpouring of love I have seen from so many strangers here is proof of that. And I know that God loves you just for who you are. Don't let anybody tell you different. I wish words didn't feel so empty sometimes. Just know that there are many people who love you without even knowing you and care what happens to you. Stay strong and stay alive. It sounds like such a cliche, but it really does get better eventually...even if it it's hard to believe right now. I am praying that things get better in your life and that you can escape the throes of depression.

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  110. Email me if you want to chat. lulaleelay at gmail dot com

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  111. Still praying for you. I hope things are looking up. ((hug))

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  112. My Dear Friend,

    I just learned of your pain and want you to know you aren't alone and you are loved. My 18 year old son is a devout christian, and he's bisexual. He's been the victim of bullying since he was 10 years old, and has been lonely and depressed just as long. He's had so many thoughts of suicide, yet knows he's here for a purpose. Just as you are. He recently posted a video on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kjtc9D5ir0 in which he gives his cardboard testimony about his pain and about his love for Jesus. After viewing his video, I composed a letter to him which I'll post for you below. I hope others will read it and realize how important unconditional love is. I pray you will find peace, and understand just how important you are in this life. We need you.

    Jennifer

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  113. Love Letter to My Son

    My Dearest Kyle,

    You're not straight. You’re not gay. You’re somewhere in between. Please don’t take that to be a form of ignorance, disrespect, embarrassment, or denial on my part. I don’t want to call you bisexual because as we’ve discussed, you simply love all people, for who they are, not for their gender, not for their race, not for their interests. When you first confided in me, I surprisingly was not surprised. I know this is an odd statement. I was SURPRISINGLY not surprised? Let me explain. I think a person’s natural instinct, particularly a parent’s, and mother’s at that, would be to have thoughts of shock, denial, anger, hurt, etc. I had none of those. Was it because I suspected it for years? I don’t know. I do know I was immediately at peace with it because I have the love of God within me.

    I’m going to honest and get right to the point. I. LOVE. YOU. Yes, I’m shouting it, as I want the world to know! I will always love you for who you are; my son, the brother, the saved Christian, the friend, the compassionate person, the musician, the smart minded, the vulnerable, the fearful, the bullied, the boy with hair that gets too long (so MANY characteristics to list ), and for your sexual orientation, whether that be gay, bisexual, or straight. Since I learned I was pregnant with you, my goal has always been to love you, protect you, and to KNOW you for WHO you are and what YOUR dreams are, not who I expect you to be or MY dreams for you. I had a rather tearful day soon after you confessed you were bisexual. I became consumed with the thought that you would never get married or have a family. I had always felt (and still do) that you would make an amazing daddy and a wonderful husband some day. I’ve had visions in the past of your wedding day, visions of you and me dancing the mother-son dance. When I realized this may not happen, I felt crushed, like my heart had been shattered. However, thanks to you, I quickly realized those were MY dreams for you, and that I had never asked what you wanted. I assumed. I regret it.

    I’m incredibly honored God chose me to be your mother - the mother of His child. How humbling is that?! I certainly do not feel qualified or worthy, but I’m so thankful, and feel so blessed. Because I’m protective of you, I haven’t always said and done what was best for you, and I’m so very sorry. I’m learning this mom thing as I walk along the path of motherhood, ya know? Please know that I trust you and your decisions. You’ve been wise your entire life, and I trust you’ll find your way. I won’t prevent you from exploring and experiencing the things you need in order to learn and grow. I won’t stop you from making your own choices, although I may encourage and guide from time to time. That’s just the mom in me .

    You need to know that with every single thread of your being, I. Love. You. Your father loves you. Your sisters love you. You will always be welcome when you enter our home where we will do everything in our power to keep you safe and make you feel secure. I’ve always fought battles for you and will continue to do so. It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable. You are my child and I will provide whatever you need me to provide. I will stand as a single person army and fight that enormous battle.

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  114. part 2 of love letter
    This worldly life has given you a difficult obstacle to face. I know the LGBT community has become more accepted over the years, but there are still many people who don’t understand what it means to love all people unconditionally. We ourselves have been guilty of that at times. My greatest fears are for your happiness and your safety. I want you to be happy. Here I go again with the “I want”. It’s because you want to be happy. I want you to be safe, yes, I’ll be selfish with that.

    Now, since we are Christians (and this may offend others who read this, but we don’t deny Jesus), I do have to speak on this subject. I worry you may experience the loss of family members and friends, you (and our family) may be shunned from our church, and you may be subjected to hate, anger, and ignorance because of who you are. One thing is certain, I will stand by your side at all times, as will your father. That's what you do when you love someone...simply love someone.

    You may have people hate you, ridicule you, condemn you because you are a bisexual Christian. People who claim to be Christians or religious in any form may be those very people who hurt you most. Let’s not forget the people who hate gays. I am willing to bet some of those people will throw bible verses at you and tell you that you’re a sinner and you’re going to hell. Others may tell you that you couldn’t possibly love God because you aren’t straight or that He doesn’t love you. Those individuals poorly represent the Christian faith. Remember the hurtful words they may throw at you come from their minds and ignorance, not from the bible, not from God. Always remember, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16).”These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that may know that you have eternal life (1 John 5:13). The scriptures don’t say that whoever believes in Him who is STRAIGHT.

    Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets (Matthew 22:37-40). At times, Christians forget these words spoken by Jesus. If someone ridicules you, they will be judging. If they tell you you’re wrong, they’ll be judging. We’re all guilty of it, and need to remember Jesus is the Sovereign Judge. Please keep in mind, Kyle, if you experience hate, do not throw back hateful words. Otherwise, you’ll be no better than the hater. Walk away and bite your tongue.

    You, your sisters, and your father, are the best things I have ever done in my life. I couldn’t be more proud of the family we have, of the people we are. Please know, if at any time you experience the loss of loved ones because of their hatred, ignorance, or neglect, Dad and I will experience that as well. We will walk away from those individuals in order to support you, stand by you, and most importantly love you. At no time will we be hateful to them (or anyone for that matter), we will always love them and wish them well, but our little family of 5 comes first.

    I will love you forever and always,
    Mom

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