Friday, December 7, 2012

XMAS TIME !!!! 12/7/2012

Its Christmas this month and a lot of time has gone by from my last post....

hmmmm... this is so weird for me looking back because I feel so different now....

removed from the church last year and yet still cant take away my mormon past...

Regardless of my past however im sooooo not what I used to be lol... my touch with God and the connection I have with him is completely different then what it used to be...

Instead of asking god to change myself I now ask him to change others and their judgment towards me for being who I've always been, or acting how I've always wanted to act... as an honest frank and bluntly "gay" man, and PROUD of it !!! heh heh.....

Instead of asking god to change the mormon leaders decions or relying on them for answers I now look towards myself for the answers and what my heart tells me is true...

I no longer depend on the church and its views or decisions to make me happy...  I make my own happiness and create my own sense of being.

I'll admit I DO miss my old friends from church in the singles ward, however it seems once  I stopped going to church they no longer wanted or cared to hang around me anymore. And of coarse this all happened after having to get my name taken off since I wasn't going to hide the fact I was gay any longer. I was told that officially pursuing or being involved in a relationship with another man romantically would automatically call into question my membership status and worthiness, and that in the end a church hearing would have to be called... especially if all parties involved knew that I had no desire or plans to quit dating and suspected a degree of intimacy.

The only time my old friends in church  ever bothered to attempt to spend time with me was only to invite me to go back to church, or to hang out at a mormon function / dance / or event and never anywhere outside of that.... always stuck in the mormon bubble of things and never a relationship beyond or outside of that, lol.

How many friends could you say you truly have whom you've made or met through church if you no longer went to church anymore?... If everyone decided to label you as an "inactive" or an "other"? They may have started out still in contact and social, but after a while it seems to me they just find it easier to not hang out with you anymore or invite you to things... I feel as if they look at it saying to themselves, "You don't go to church anymore, but I do... therefor there's nothing left for you and I since you and I don't have church in common..."  

 I wish for once that any friends i make,
be it old church buddies or friends made at work or local meetups and groups etc... I just wish they would care enough about me! Even if I were to have quit my job at that particular work place, or even changed jobs or changed locations and had to make new friends etc, I'd have hoped that those friendships I made in the past would still remain friends... Isn't that what makes friendship so special between friends? That despite having different jobs or living apart from each other, or having different hobbies and social circles you still make time for one another?...

Anyways... I found this website ... http://www.affirmation.org/

Its for gay mormons..... and if you click under CHAPTERS then you'll find local chapers/groups for local GAY MORMONS / EX-MORMONS

... I contacted a Group Directer and it turns out they have a group here in Sacramento once a month!

The  next group for Sacramento Gay Mormons is DEC. 17th 2012.

10 days left!!!!

Wish me luck!

P.S. ~ A whole bunch of mormon acquaintances on Facebook started trying to get me to look at a new mormon website for Gay Mormons and personally I find it just horrible.... DO NOT GO THERE!!! I went in with the expectation that things were finally better or that things were finally gonna be different and
I tried reading the info and web sources and statements there thinking it would shed new light on the matter or something... maybe even something I could show fellow mormons in hopes of getting them to accept those who are gay within the church and those who are LGBTQ around them... it turned out to be nothing but trash.

My take on it was on the surface it seems so positive and supportive etc, until you start to actually pay attention to the way they've worded it on there, or you actually start to pay attention to whats being said in all the videos that were put on there. Then you just become irritated because you realize it's nothing new and its still the same stance on the issue, just recycled to look *new*. Damn...

If you still want to see then go ahead and see for yourself....

http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

Personally though  I think its an insult to anyone who is truly gay, especially those who are or were at one point "mormon"...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!! I'll try to upload pics in my next post and show you the presents I get from SANTA!!!

LOVE YOU!!!!! ~~~~~

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Life Gets Better... at least... Im hoping it does...

So I cant post for long because I have to go soon... but I wanted you all to know that I am okay.

Right after that post, I had thought about killing myself...

Luckily I had also had the strength enough to call my therapist and she told me to have a friend take me to the Emergency Room.

He took me there within an hour and the next I knew they had placed me in a mental facility...

I was placed in Sierra Vista and then after four days or so was transferred to a Crisis house called Safe Harbor...

I was at safe harbor crisis house for about a week and a half before I relapsed and started cutting and scratching myself... also the last 3 days there I had constant anxiety, depression, and panic attacks so I guess I could say looking back that I kinda saw it coming lol.

Anyways... due to my relapse they then sent me back to the Emergency Room and this time they sent me to a facility in Vallejo called Saint Helena... I was there for two weeks before they finally released me ( and that was only due to having a shitty therapist there LOL otherwise I should have gone somewhere else...).

So... I got sent home with my therapist named Dr. Punia and he discharged me with saying " There is nothing I can do, If your suicidal and you want to hurt yourself here then your gonna be suicidal anywhere... So if your just gonna hang yourself or whatever here then you might as well do that at home because being here isnt much different."

I was FLOORED... I could NOT believe he just said that to me, straight to my face!!! If anything it made me wanna die even more!!! Needless to say, I called "Patient's Rights Advocate"... I should have tried to get him fired~ (just kidding?) but instead I called and complained to the spokes person over the phone and DID request never to have him again...

Also, after having that conversation with him that day I had an incident at the facility there (hanging attempt in the bathroom) and even then he STILL discharged me!!!!

So, here I am, at home, and after a few days I had another incident, only this time my brother woke up to me in the hall on the floor near his room at night scratching my arms... then later on that same night my grandma woke my parents because I had grabbed a knife from the kitchen and was going to cut my wrists...

They all talked to me and we all cried... I threw the knife on the floor and bawled my eyes out.... I didn't do it.

Tomorrow morning I go to I.O.P. (Intensive Outcare Program) and my parents and I are hoping it gets better and we are all hoping that it helps...

We will see....

I hope for my sake it does cause I cant go through this again...

Its been a nightmare, please keep me in your prayers as I am constantly struggling and in need of support in just getting by from day to day... Thankyou.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ive Been Feeling Like Ending My Life...

So lately I've been feeling like ending my life...

It basically has been going on for a while now...

It's been strongly present for about a year and it wasnt until about this last May or so that it hit me really hard... I tried to crash my car into something and kill myself.

Also these past few days or so I've been thinking of nothing but ways I could die or could kill myself. No thought has consumned me more than this, DEATH. I sit and lay there all day in bed not wanting to move or breathe, not wanting to utter a word...

I feel the walls around me and they couldnt be tighter. I hear the echos in the house of my dad yelling, I hear the attitude and the smart mouthed remarks made back and forth, I hear the crying...

I can't take any of it, I dont want to live another day.

A part of me worries that they wont be able to do well without me here, that my brothers or sister need me somehow, that their existence and their happiness in life depends souly on whether or not I allow myself to live.

The other part of me says it doesnt matter, that they're fine. That either way they will get along without me, that they will find their own way.

I tell myself I'm not really needed ... it doesnt really matter if I "check-out" early...

For the past 3 days Ive thought of nothing but killing myself.

I'm fat, I've got no job, I feel as if I'm wasting away, My love life is shit, and I feel as if no one even notices me or even cares...

My brothers can't even stand me being in the same room and my sister treats me like I'm 5yrs old or like some kind of unwanted family dog or pet!

Home is suppost to be safe, home is suppost to feel like love.

Instead to me home is the most dangerous place for me to be... Home is death, home is anger and hurt and raging emotions, home is hatred and sadness... Home is where I want to die...

While I took a shower last night I thought about letting the water fill the tub and strangling myself until I passed out and holding myself under water...

When I drove my car  or turned it on I thought about easing it into the garage when no one is home and rolling down my windows with the ignition still on and the garage door closed and puting on some music while the fumes fill the garage and I slowly die to michael buble, Colbie calleite or lady gaga...

My depression is sooo bad right now and I couldnt even be alone today with my own thoughts screaming at me in my head...

When will I be able to let go of the hurt and the pain that has been caused by the church?

When will I be able to move on?

When will I finally be able to read the scriptures or something that once held great meaning and value to me and not feel like I'm on the edge of my seat and that every inch of my skin is crawling?

When will I be happy and find love?

Where is Lady Gaga when you need her????

Monday, August 13, 2012

no longer a member of the church ...

So I was talking with my bishop last october and we decided that a decision NEEDED to be made once and for all... I needed to progress in one way or another... I had to choose... No more sitting in limbo or standing on the side lines or fence sitting... A decision inevitably had to be made...

I never would have anticipated what would happen next...

It came down to where my bishop said I would need to choose....

Either I continued towards a relationship with another man or I vowed to stop and go no further in seeking a male relationship and instead strive to value my membership in the LDS Church more... But... no matter how hard I thought, I could not see the value of a life without the value of a male relationship.

It was then suggested that I needed to write a letter to the church in order to resign and that he would take care of the paperwork etc...

On Oct.31st 2011 I received my letter saying my records were removed from the church and that I was  essentially excommunicated (the wording they used was called "NAME REMOVAL" which resulted in the same outcome only without the church hearing) however my bishop DID tell me the end result is BASICALLY the same.

I am no longer a member....
I can NOT take the Sacrament...
I can NOT pray locally or in front of or on behalf of the congregation much less in the sunday classroom....
And if, he said, I decided to "COME OUT" to the ward then he CAN NOT guarantee that the ward would "accept" me, regardless of the fact of how sincere, loving, or honest I am, or even the fact that I served a mission honorably...

I cried for months before I felt even marginally better lol, and even then I didn't feel "whole".

The pain and the hurt that I felt was strong, and more importantly , it was REAL.

I felt mad that I was in the situation where it seemed like I was being forced to choose between two things i loved with no other alternative or way to be at peace and in harmony... and especially something that had meant so much to me and had such an impact on who I am today!!! It was sad... and I was sad because of it....

Eventually my depression deepened and finally I hit a breaking point where I tried to crash my car and end my life....

Its been a hard road... My energy and optimism is wearing thin...